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If you were to ask me how I'm doing or how I've been, I would say tonight that physically, I'm fine. Emotionally, however, it's another story.
First off, let me rewind back to Sunday.
Sunday I went to an aunt's funeral. Oddly enough, I couldn't shed any tears even though I'd known her and was somewhat close to her. I say "close" in the sense that I knew her and would talk to her, mostly at family gatherings... but it wasn't like I'd visit her every day.
During the service itself, my mind began to wander. It wasn't that I was bored, but rather that I could imagine myself being in the front row (where the deceased's immediate family sit), with one of my parents' ashes in the urn. As much as I tried not to think about it, because otherwise I'd probably have collapsed emotionally, some nagging thoughts kept creeping up: who would deliver the eulogy? What kind of service would it be? etc., etc., etc. For the eulogy part, I would likely see myself as delivering that, since I'd been spending the most time with my parents... but I don't know what I would say.
I had dinner at my parents' house on both Sunday and Monday. They're still doing reasonably well, but the nagging question for me is for how much longer. I've almost constantly had worst-case scenarios popping up in the back of my mind... like either of my parents having an emergency and having to rush to the hospital. On Monday, those fears got magnified when I called the house and there was no answer. Almost immediately I started the worrying avalanche: if something DID happen, for example, then I would be forced to cancel all the plans I had set for the California trip at the end of this month. Fortunately all that evaporated when I called and actually GOT an answer.
On Tuesday, IonOtter, Rayce and I met briefly. Rayce had been visiting his parents on Kauai and had a couple hours layover in Honolulu before heading back to L.A. ... so we managed to meet for dinner. Admittedly it wasn't much of a gathering, but hey, at least it was better than not meeting at all!
Back to my angst soapbox....
The current volatile world situation, especially with Iraq and North Korea, isn't helping either. I fully expect to have to either cancel or curtail my trip depending on when we invade Iraq and/or North Korea. To me, Iraq is a given -- we just don't know when. I'm willing to bet, however, that it'll be before the end of February, and I wouldn't be surprised if we invaded Iraq before the end of this month.
Ion once told me that I was planning my trip in the hope and anticipation of having to cancel it. Not only do I believe that to be true, but I'm actually planning to hold off on doing any serious packing until the night before I actually fly out. I almost think that if I could, I would wait until midnight Wednesday to pack (the flight leaves around 7 AM that day)... but I don't think that would work out very well. The big reason I want to wait so late to pack is because I don't want to pack if it turns out I can't go.
I guess the biggest stressor for me right now is keeping an eye on both the world situation and my parents' health. If it turns out I have to choose between reporting in to work (because of the world situation) and taking care of my parents, there is no question: by law, work MUST get priority. When it comes to my free time, however, then I (still) believe my parents must get first priority, even over friends. I won't be in Hawaii much longer (see my last entry for details), so I'm of the opinion that I owe my parents as much free time as I can give them. I've gotten into some rather in-depth discussions/arguments with friends about that too. Perhaps I owe myself some free time... downtime, as it were... but the problem is that if I make time for myself, or for my friends, then I feel guilty for not having given that time to my parents. I fully expect my friends (and myself) to be here long after my parents are gone. Perhaps that's too big an assumption, but -- even with things being the way they are now -- I believe it to be a valid one.
The situation might be different if one of my friends had a terminal illness. That might force me into spending more time with that particular friend. But in this case I'm not looking at the "what-if" scenarios... it's bad enough for me to deal with the more likely scenarios instead of the less likely, but still possible, ones.
Okay, okay, enough rambling. I got all of this stuff off my mind and onto the livejournal. Hopefully at least now I'll be able to get a good night's rest....
First off, let me rewind back to Sunday.
Sunday I went to an aunt's funeral. Oddly enough, I couldn't shed any tears even though I'd known her and was somewhat close to her. I say "close" in the sense that I knew her and would talk to her, mostly at family gatherings... but it wasn't like I'd visit her every day.
During the service itself, my mind began to wander. It wasn't that I was bored, but rather that I could imagine myself being in the front row (where the deceased's immediate family sit), with one of my parents' ashes in the urn. As much as I tried not to think about it, because otherwise I'd probably have collapsed emotionally, some nagging thoughts kept creeping up: who would deliver the eulogy? What kind of service would it be? etc., etc., etc. For the eulogy part, I would likely see myself as delivering that, since I'd been spending the most time with my parents... but I don't know what I would say.
I had dinner at my parents' house on both Sunday and Monday. They're still doing reasonably well, but the nagging question for me is for how much longer. I've almost constantly had worst-case scenarios popping up in the back of my mind... like either of my parents having an emergency and having to rush to the hospital. On Monday, those fears got magnified when I called the house and there was no answer. Almost immediately I started the worrying avalanche: if something DID happen, for example, then I would be forced to cancel all the plans I had set for the California trip at the end of this month. Fortunately all that evaporated when I called and actually GOT an answer.
On Tuesday, IonOtter, Rayce and I met briefly. Rayce had been visiting his parents on Kauai and had a couple hours layover in Honolulu before heading back to L.A. ... so we managed to meet for dinner. Admittedly it wasn't much of a gathering, but hey, at least it was better than not meeting at all!
Back to my angst soapbox....
The current volatile world situation, especially with Iraq and North Korea, isn't helping either. I fully expect to have to either cancel or curtail my trip depending on when we invade Iraq and/or North Korea. To me, Iraq is a given -- we just don't know when. I'm willing to bet, however, that it'll be before the end of February, and I wouldn't be surprised if we invaded Iraq before the end of this month.
Ion once told me that I was planning my trip in the hope and anticipation of having to cancel it. Not only do I believe that to be true, but I'm actually planning to hold off on doing any serious packing until the night before I actually fly out. I almost think that if I could, I would wait until midnight Wednesday to pack (the flight leaves around 7 AM that day)... but I don't think that would work out very well. The big reason I want to wait so late to pack is because I don't want to pack if it turns out I can't go.
I guess the biggest stressor for me right now is keeping an eye on both the world situation and my parents' health. If it turns out I have to choose between reporting in to work (because of the world situation) and taking care of my parents, there is no question: by law, work MUST get priority. When it comes to my free time, however, then I (still) believe my parents must get first priority, even over friends. I won't be in Hawaii much longer (see my last entry for details), so I'm of the opinion that I owe my parents as much free time as I can give them. I've gotten into some rather in-depth discussions/arguments with friends about that too. Perhaps I owe myself some free time... downtime, as it were... but the problem is that if I make time for myself, or for my friends, then I feel guilty for not having given that time to my parents. I fully expect my friends (and myself) to be here long after my parents are gone. Perhaps that's too big an assumption, but -- even with things being the way they are now -- I believe it to be a valid one.
The situation might be different if one of my friends had a terminal illness. That might force me into spending more time with that particular friend. But in this case I'm not looking at the "what-if" scenarios... it's bad enough for me to deal with the more likely scenarios instead of the less likely, but still possible, ones.
Okay, okay, enough rambling. I got all of this stuff off my mind and onto the livejournal. Hopefully at least now I'll be able to get a good night's rest....
